A Year of Driving Dangerously

In the end, we went with "Top 10 Excuses". We had to, we're a family newspaper. But if I had my way, I would have called them the: "What the hell were you thinking Awards"... or something a little punchier: "The McBride Awards", "for the policeman who really, really shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car".
But let me start at the beginning...
Sunday shifts are tedious. All your friends are picnicking, watching movies, eating long lunches and, well, not working. You, on the other hand, are stuck writing about traffic accidents, following up stories published in the weeklies and attending press conferences that are so insignificant the organisers were too embarrassed to schedule them on a real day.
Add a migraine "aura" (blind spots followed by nausea and a pounding headache), plus a looming university deadline on the effects of new media on journalism, and you'll understand how I felt this Sunday morning.
There was, however, one silver lining: a great story I was working on about how many cars the Ekurhuleni Metro Police officers (Robert McBride's former minions) have wrecked in a year. A source of mine had slipped me a list of each accident - all 225 of them - and a detailed breakdown of what happened. And, I should add, this was during a year when taxpayers dished out R88-million for a new fleet of 500 cars for the EMPD. The excuses and explanations are priceless. Here are the top 10 as recorded in the EMPD books:
1. “Officer shot himself accidentally and the projectile entered the fuel tank of the vehicle”
2. “Officer not on duty, misuse council vehicle, officer under the influence, transported civilians in vehicle”
3. “Officer (from the K9 dog unit) collided with a dog and failed to stop after accident, action caused extra damage to vehicle”
4. “Umbrella came loose of pole in windstorm and landed on windscreen and bonnet – loose object (nature)”
5. “Officer ignored red robot and collided with lamp pole – had no permission to use patrol vehicle”
6. “Officer start vehicle in gear and drove into wall at house”
7. “Vehicle parts of new car was removed (and replaced) with old parts – undisclosed damage on vehicle
8. “Officer responded to assist his pregnant wife who went into labour and drove into pillar at his gate”
9. “Officer drove into tree and left vehicle on the scene”
10. “Bird flew into vehicle damaging the light of the vehicle”
You can't make this stuff up.
What I want to know is: how much this costs council in civil claims, how Joburg's metro cops compare (or are they too busy trapping motorists to do any actual driving) and why, oh why, were these guys ever allowed to get into a car?
You can read the full story here. I'd love to hear your metro police story / story suggestions.
p.s: Out of 184 officers involved in accidents, 110 were at fault. They have just made the "I Suck" list.

The "I Suck" Revolution

A surprise “I suck” confession by the chair of the SABC board has sparked a global rush as politicians and pop stars race to follow suit.

“I do agree, I suck as a leader…” Kanyisiwe Mkonza boldly declared at a hearing on Tuesday. (Yes, really.)

Her words thundered across the nation and inspired others – mostly civil servants – to admit what the public has known since… well, forever. With the sudden flood of interest, an underground, semi-secret society quickly surfaced to lead the “I suck” revolution.

First in line was Julius Malema. He wanted so desperately to be the leader of the secret society’s militant youth wing but could not spell “I suck” and was disqualified from the selection process. Storming off, he muttered something about killing for his right to suck.

Tony Yengeni led the older generation, offering the selection panel a great second-hand Mercedes-Benz for the honour of being the president of “I suck”. He claimed that having spent time in jail made him the perfect candidate.

Schabir Shaik was too frail to attend the interview, having been recently released from hospital. But he boasted about his contacts within government and his ability to “take one for the team”.

President Jacob Zuma sent his apologies, saying he would have applied but was too busy running the country.

Suspended police chief Jackie Selebi and axed metro police boss Robert McBride conducted a joint application. They promised to raise exorbitant amounts of cash for the movement as they had done for their criminal cases.

Ray McCauley pulled up to the secret head quarters on his Harley, opting not to fly in on the luxury jet his church usually hires for him. He said that God wanted him to lead “I suck” and that his parishioners had raised R100-million to support his bid. As a character reference, he provided an SMS line to Carl Niehaus.

The church of Scientology launched 749 individual court cases against the selectors in a bid to overwhelm them into looking further than just earth for a divine leader.

Bafana Bafana coach Joel Santana was about to make a presentation but was told the panel did not need to hear evidence. They knew he sucked.

All Idols winners (and runners up) were considered as a group application. After a brief audition, they were tranquilised and sent off to a remote part of Indonesia.

The “I suck” movement has also drawn mega international names: George Bush, Dr Phil, Jessica Simpson and Robert Mugabe, who will be sworn in as president (elected or not) within two weeks.

Who do you think should be a member of, or lead the “I suck” movement?