A surprise “I suck” confession by the chair of the SABC board has sparked a global rush as politicians and pop stars race to follow suit.
“I do agree, I suck as a leader…” Kanyisiwe Mkonza boldly declared at a hearing on Tuesday. (Yes, really.)
Her words thundered across the nation and inspired others – mostly civil servants – to admit what the public has known since… well, forever. With the sudden flood of interest, an underground, semi-secret society quickly surfaced to lead the “I suck” revolution.
First in line was Julius Malema. He wanted so desperately to be the leader of the secret society’s militant youth wing but could not spell “I suck” and was disqualified from the selection process. Storming off, he muttered something about killing for his right to suck.
Tony Yengeni led the older generation, offering the selection panel a great second-hand Mercedes-Benz for the honour of being the president of “I suck”. He claimed that having spent time in jail made him the perfect candidate.
Schabir Shaik was too frail to attend the interview, having been recently released from hospital. But he boasted about his contacts within government and his ability to “take one for the team”.
President Jacob Zuma sent his apologies, saying he would have applied but was too busy running the country.
Suspended police chief Jackie Selebi and axed metro police boss Robert McBride conducted a joint application. They promised to raise exorbitant amounts of cash for the movement as they had done for their criminal cases.
Ray McCauley pulled up to the secret head quarters on his Harley, opting not to fly in on the luxury jet his church usually hires for him. He said that God wanted him to lead “I suck” and that his parishioners had raised R100-million to support his bid. As a character reference, he provided an SMS line to Carl Niehaus.
The church of Scientology launched 749 individual court cases against the selectors in a bid to overwhelm them into looking further than just earth for a divine leader.
Bafana Bafana coach Joel Santana was about to make a presentation but was told the panel did not need to hear evidence. They knew he sucked.
All Idols winners (and runners up) were considered as a group application. After a brief audition, they were tranquilised and sent off to a remote part of Indonesia.
The “I suck” movement has also drawn mega international names: George Bush, Dr Phil, Jessica Simpson and Robert Mugabe, who will be sworn in as president (elected or not) within two weeks.
Who do you think should be a member of, or lead the “I suck” movement?
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Ha, ha, ha! The "I Suck" Revolution will go on unabated for years to come.
ReplyDeleteWhingers suck! But seeing as you're probably looking for more specific names, I'd vote for Hicktoria Beckham, AKA Tosh Spice.
ReplyDeleteMichael Buble. Ruler of all who suck.
ReplyDeleteShe's kinda tired already, but Sarah Palin should at least have honorary membership or something...
ReplyDeleteI think you've covered the obvious ones. Mad King Bob would certainly get my vote in this particular poll. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan is a contender though, as is Than Shwe, and others of their ilk. Actually my permanent shitlist is quite long - perhaps I'll share it on my blog :)
ReplyDeleteNamibian government - in the light of the seal cull. They get extra points for creative blood splatters (yes, yes, I've been watching Dexter) :-)
ReplyDeleteWinnie -remember her? would be a perfect candiate to lead this movement. She would be ably assisted by Gwede Mantashe and Vavi.
ReplyDeleteAfter a lengthy read through with my daughter a mere statement from the lips of a eight year old came out "who would want to suck as much as them!"
ReplyDeleteSo after a long think of my own I thought well who would and who does?
The revolution has started but the forerunners clearly did a good job of sucking all by themselves. That the standarsd are so set in their ways that yes "who would want to suck that much!", Not I.... thank the Lords I am who I am and that my eight year old daughter recognises a sucker a mile away.